A Letter to Mother

Hi Mom,

New York is great, thanks for asking. I have an apartment with a view of the street and a job delivering meat. My boss so nice, he told me to punch out and never punch in again. I guess he’s going to pay me under the table, which is where I’ll be waiting for him tomorrow.

You would have a blast here. There is always something exciting going on. Like this morning I was drinking coffee at the bus stop when this guy told me to “stop fucking staring,” so I gouged his eyes out with a ballpoint pen. It’s just like in the movies!

I have good news. I am in love! She lives across the street and I can see her from my place. I like to sit at the window and watch her while she works or does yoga. Sometimes, when I’m feeling frisky I'll take my clothes off. She always pulls the blinds down, but I think she’s just playing hard to get. I don’t know why she has to call the cops, though. I suppose she’s really into role-playing.

This one time, I saw her on the train. She got off at the wrong stop so I got off too in order to tell her. But she must have known what I was going to say when she saw me because her eyes got real big and she hopped right back on that train before the doors closed. I was too slow and had to wait at the station for a whole hour before the next train came, but that’s okay because it gave me time to etch her profile into my forearm with my house keys. Isn’t that romantic?

I miss you so much. I swear I’ll come home to visit soon. And yes, I’ll bring you the still beating heart of my new girlfriend.

Love you,


Elisha

Dear Jessica

Dear Jessica,

It has come to my attention that you are interested in a relationship with me. You promptly returned my phone call and accepted my invitation to dinner tonight. You’re wearing a low cut sweater and I can smell your No. 5 in this crowded restaurant. It is clear to me from your passing glances that you find me a potential mate. I would like it noted that I too find you attractive and I hope you don’t catch me looking down your shirt.

Let’s pretend to get to know each other.

Thank you for informing me that you read many books and prefer dogs to cats. I am marginally interested in your family history, your master's degree and your five-year plan. I am excited by the fact that you are moving away in the fall negating any long-term potential.

If I may, I have a few points of constructive criticism. I’d appreciate it if you would stop politely laughing at my jokes. There’s no need for placations. Also, I wouldn’t recommend mentioning your ex-boyfriend on any future first dates as I am the jealous type.

You have impressed me with your rapport with the waiter. You ordered the roast chicken very politely. Had you been rude or ordered mixed greens with dressing on the side I would have faked appendicitis and gone home. I order a bottle of wine with a fancy French name. By the way you are looking at me, I surmise that you are impressed with my knowledge of European appellations. Thank you Wine for Dummies.

It is very kind of you to inquire about my personal history. I am more than happy to gloss over it in order to keep you looking at me adoringly. True, I have a college degree from a prestigious university, but I spend my life actively underachieving. When I tell you I intend to open a chain of gourmet pupuserias, I’m not lying. Money’s just a little tight during the recession.

As this evening comes to a close I am putting in my best efforts to go home with you. Looking deep into your eyes, I proclaim your beauty and tell you how special you are. I order dessert and digestifs but I fear that you are not drunk enough to consider me a worthy sexual partner. If I am mistaken, kindly disregard this letter.

Yours truly,

Elisha Siegel