Dear Jessica

Dear Jessica,

It has come to my attention that you are interested in a relationship with me. You promptly returned my phone call and accepted my invitation to dinner tonight. You’re wearing a low cut sweater and I can smell your No. 5 in this crowded restaurant. It is clear to me from your passing glances that you find me a potential mate. I would like it noted that I too find you attractive and I hope you don’t catch me looking down your shirt.

Let’s pretend to get to know each other.

Thank you for informing me that you read many books and prefer dogs to cats. I am marginally interested in your family history, your master's degree and your five-year plan. I am excited by the fact that you are moving away in the fall negating any long-term potential.

If I may, I have a few points of constructive criticism. I’d appreciate it if you would stop politely laughing at my jokes. There’s no need for placations. Also, I wouldn’t recommend mentioning your ex-boyfriend on any future first dates as I am the jealous type.

You have impressed me with your rapport with the waiter. You ordered the roast chicken very politely. Had you been rude or ordered mixed greens with dressing on the side I would have faked appendicitis and gone home. I order a bottle of wine with a fancy French name. By the way you are looking at me, I surmise that you are impressed with my knowledge of European appellations. Thank you Wine for Dummies.

It is very kind of you to inquire about my personal history. I am more than happy to gloss over it in order to keep you looking at me adoringly. True, I have a college degree from a prestigious university, but I spend my life actively underachieving. When I tell you I intend to open a chain of gourmet pupuserias, I’m not lying. Money’s just a little tight during the recession.

As this evening comes to a close I am putting in my best efforts to go home with you. Looking deep into your eyes, I proclaim your beauty and tell you how special you are. I order dessert and digestifs but I fear that you are not drunk enough to consider me a worthy sexual partner. If I am mistaken, kindly disregard this letter.

Yours truly,

Elisha Siegel